Fantastic short story. I admire the way you write with such freedom, with such a chainless creative spirit. With this one I felt that you explored and exposed the human tendency for sloth and comfort at the expense of all else well. It's like Jimmy is choosing to play dead and his mother is pretending to have a reason to grieve as a refuge from conscious living. People consciously choosing the path of unconsciousness. The idea of a cop tickling a man in a coma to see if he's faking it is just so funny, and I like how the narrator and the other Jimmy are in on this ruse together. There are little things like the mother running to get her son a cheeseburger without anyone noticing, or the background about the jetski accident that make this so unique and fun to read. The only thing I will say though, is that I don't feel you gave the narrator's disillusionment at the end enough time to ferment. I don't think it was integrated enough, early enough into the story to be as effective as it otherwise could have been, because I think it is a good character moment and I would just like to see it develop more before he is finally fully "woken up" to the consequences of the type of life he thought he wanted before. That being said, I could see people loving the way you did it, so it's really just up to you. I really enjoyed reading this story. I liked the artwork, and you've got a great title for this, so hopefully you can attract some more readers.
Thanks for compliments Phoenix, that first sentences of your comment means a lot! That is really what I'm trying to do when I'm writing so for you to say that is really encouraging!
I didn't even think of the mother's actions being another path to avoid conscious living! That was not even intended but it definitely is true! That is the magic of writing right there, a reader picking up on something the writer didn't even intend or see himself. And that's why we need to engage with a community as writers and readers!
I know exactly what you mean by the narrator's disillusionment not having enough time or breathing room, that was one of my main concerns with the story as it is, I'm going to put this story away for a few weeks or months to let it simmer and then come back to it and revise and try to work out how exactly to address that problem!
Thanks so much for taking time to read the story and make such a thoughtful and thorough comment, it is truly truly appreciated, Phoenix!
I think you’re right, it is good for readers and writers to engage, and I definitely need to be doing more. And yes, take your time, let this story simmer, it can only turn out well in the end if this is an early draft! I like the idea of posting an early draft and then taking feedback and uploading a revision later. It’s interesting to see what changes. I might do that. Appreciate you too, Alex.
Alex! I must have missed this when it went up. I like it better than the earlier version.
Hope you are doing great!
I really liked this one!
That is great to hear, thank you so much for the restack!
Fantastic short story. I admire the way you write with such freedom, with such a chainless creative spirit. With this one I felt that you explored and exposed the human tendency for sloth and comfort at the expense of all else well. It's like Jimmy is choosing to play dead and his mother is pretending to have a reason to grieve as a refuge from conscious living. People consciously choosing the path of unconsciousness. The idea of a cop tickling a man in a coma to see if he's faking it is just so funny, and I like how the narrator and the other Jimmy are in on this ruse together. There are little things like the mother running to get her son a cheeseburger without anyone noticing, or the background about the jetski accident that make this so unique and fun to read. The only thing I will say though, is that I don't feel you gave the narrator's disillusionment at the end enough time to ferment. I don't think it was integrated enough, early enough into the story to be as effective as it otherwise could have been, because I think it is a good character moment and I would just like to see it develop more before he is finally fully "woken up" to the consequences of the type of life he thought he wanted before. That being said, I could see people loving the way you did it, so it's really just up to you. I really enjoyed reading this story. I liked the artwork, and you've got a great title for this, so hopefully you can attract some more readers.
Thanks for compliments Phoenix, that first sentences of your comment means a lot! That is really what I'm trying to do when I'm writing so for you to say that is really encouraging!
I didn't even think of the mother's actions being another path to avoid conscious living! That was not even intended but it definitely is true! That is the magic of writing right there, a reader picking up on something the writer didn't even intend or see himself. And that's why we need to engage with a community as writers and readers!
I know exactly what you mean by the narrator's disillusionment not having enough time or breathing room, that was one of my main concerns with the story as it is, I'm going to put this story away for a few weeks or months to let it simmer and then come back to it and revise and try to work out how exactly to address that problem!
Thanks so much for taking time to read the story and make such a thoughtful and thorough comment, it is truly truly appreciated, Phoenix!
I think you’re right, it is good for readers and writers to engage, and I definitely need to be doing more. And yes, take your time, let this story simmer, it can only turn out well in the end if this is an early draft! I like the idea of posting an early draft and then taking feedback and uploading a revision later. It’s interesting to see what changes. I might do that. Appreciate you too, Alex.
Hell yeah!
Absolutely! It makes pretty good sense, lol.